Still Waiting.

I honestly can’t stand living anymore at this point in time. I’m tired of living,breathing and just being here in general. I am so utterly done and upset with anything and everything I can’t even start to think about my life right now. To think that anyone would ever want to be with me for me is an ignorant and ridiculous thought. Everyone I have ever met has just used me for one thing or another. Even my own parents treat me like their personal servant. I get treated like I am the most stupid person in the room, people like to make me cry on purpose because they know how easy it is to make me upset and make me think that they don’t like me and or hate me. I am so sick of people treating me this way but i know I’ll never change and that I’ll always get used by someone.

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Used 

I don’t think I’m ever going to have sex again. I feel so filthy and like I’m not worth anything. My friend just always makes me deal like I’m a whore for having sex once and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. No one wants used goods anyways.

Bad Thoughts

 Food food food that’s all i think about everyday,every night and every hour. Then once I finally figure out what I want to eat i get it ready and eat it. After a couple of minutes my stomache  starts hurting and this lasts for 5-10 muinutes. Maybe I should just stop eating all together because it’s just not worth it. I always think things I know I will never do but why? Because I know I’m weak and that the voice in my head telling me that I’m fat,worthless and no guy will ever like me just might be right. I’ve only been eating one meal a day with no snacks (exept last night) my stomache hurts only for a couple of minutes so that’s fine. It seems like no-one care if I don’t eat because actions speak louder then words and no one cares enough to actually do anything about it. So I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing until I am satisfied with myself.

                                 -PandaQueen12

Bad Choices

Since turning 18 twenty-two days ago I’ve made some terrible decisions. The first mistake I made was getting a tindr. I should have known that all the guys on there were fuck boys. So I thought this guy was cute and he likes the same things I liked. So I went over to his house and we went down to his basement and started playing super smash bros (only the best game ever). He beat me of course since I hadent plays in a while and I was a little(a lot) rusty. What happens next might suprise you(maybe) he turned the game off and we started watching.movie making videos on youtube. Basically we were YouTube and chilling. As we were watching the videos he started to move his hands twards my thighs and he asked me if that was fine, I said it was. Then things started escalating when he got a blanket and put it over the two of us and tried to kiss me. I told him that I had never kissed anyone or done anything before but he said that was fine so we kissed and I felt nothing. Then he took off my glasses because I am litrally blind without them. And we went to his room but i was to scared and hated how I looked so I went into his closet. That’s when it happened I lost my virginity to some guy I ment off tindr in his closet. His closet was a pretty big place so it wasent uncomfortable but when we were done I still felt nothing. How am I supose to feel? The day after this encounter I was in so much pain and that lasted for 3 days and I’m still kind of sore now. Of course I wasent stupid and he wore a condom but I thought I was supose to feel some deep connection with someone after an experience like that but i felt nothing. The other day the power went off at work and I smoked for the first time it was pretty lack luster, I gave a blow job for the second time( to the tindr guy). Oh how life is strange. What do I do now?

-PandaQueen12

Truth

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It seems like everyone thinks I’m depressed or some shit but honestly I’m just hurting myself before anyone else has the chance to. I was just at my friends house and Brandon texted me saying some bullshit so I took my razor out of my bag and made a cut on my arm and two on my ankle. I was bleeding so i asked my freind for a napkin and now she thinks I’m suicidal. I’m so fucking annoying.

-PandaQueen12

Happy Birthday To Me

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Today’s my birthday. I turn 18 today so I could buy cigarettes If I smoked but I dont. The only thing I want is the only thing I can’t have so that’s jolly. I got a cake from this vegan place. My family probley won’t try it just because it’s vegan  which is so annoying. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

     -PandaQueen12

Fuck life

Fuck life I wish I was dead. Someone end this suffering already. Why does no one like me? Wait I know I complain and repeat everything. Why cant I just die already

     -PandaQueen12

The Last Text

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This is my last text to Brandon:
You know what it’s fine Brandon I wouldent want me either. All I do I cause everyone trouble and I honestly think that that world world be a whole lot better without me in it. All I want to do is give people something to be happy about but obvously im not it. So it’s fine if you keep treating me like the garbage I am becouse that’s what I deserve. Hate me all you want, I deserve it. I’m worthless and should just be treated like shit. I’m sorry for trying to get anyone to actually want to be around me because I know why they wouldent want to be. All I do is complain and bother people and I am so sorry that you ever had the displeasure of ever meeting me. I know that you don’t want me and probley never will but what’s new. I’m stupid for ever thinking that giving myself to you would ever accomplish anything. My family hates me,i hate me and now you hate me to. I hope that you can find hapiness now that I’m no longer in the equation. I guess I just wanted to be wanted and no one wanted me. So I’m sorry once again. Have a nice life Brandon

This is the last message that I sent to Brandon last night while I was sobbing. I just try so hard and is it to much to ask to be wanted back? Aparently it is. I just don’t know why he doesent want me but then again no one does.  I went shopping at walmart today and low and behold Brandon was there working in the Wal-Mart McDonald’s. Is there a reason the universe is torturing me with his face? I just wish I knew what it was. I just wish that I could be what he wanted needed beged for because that’s what he is for me.
       
           -PandaQueen12

Please?

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Brandon is litrally going to be the death of me. No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to get over him. I was just about to make a tindr account to meet some new people but I just can’t find it in me to make one. I feel so lost and stupid. He doesent even like me anymore but all that’s done is make me want him more. He asked me if I wanted to be freinds with benifits and I said yes hoping that would mean we could actually hang out for once but nope he started ignoring me again. I would do anything for him I even told him that but it seems the more of myself I am willing to give him the less of me he wants. I just don’t understand guys sometimes. Here is a willing and able person that would litrally die for you and you don’t even want to test them to see how far they would go for you? Even if he just used me I wouldent mind I just want to be near him, is that so much to ask? Am I that worthless that you wouldent even give me a chance? I guess I’m ment to be forever alone in the world.
  
              -PandaQueen12

Perspective

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I think I know the reason that I’m going to be forever alone. I care too much. I care so much that I get obsessed and that makes people back off before I get to show them the real me. The real me is the most loyal person you’ll ever meet. I will put your life before my own because I am merely a vesile to be used for making other people’s lives as comfortable as possible. I just wish I could control the way I act when I truly like someone but sadly I can’t and I don’t think I will ever be able to. So please don’t give up on me because I know that I will never give up on you.

      -PandaQueen12