Bad Choices

Since turning 18 twenty-two days ago I’ve made some terrible decisions. The first mistake I made was getting a tindr. I should have known that all the guys on there were fuck boys. So I thought this guy was cute and he likes the same things I liked. So I went over to his house and we went down to his basement and started playing super smash bros (only the best game ever). He beat me of course since I hadent plays in a while and I was a little(a lot) rusty. What happens next might suprise you(maybe) he turned the game off and we started watching.movie making videos on youtube. Basically we were YouTube and chilling. As we were watching the videos he started to move his hands twards my thighs and he asked me if that was fine, I said it was. Then things started escalating when he got a blanket and put it over the two of us and tried to kiss me. I told him that I had never kissed anyone or done anything before but he said that was fine so we kissed and I felt nothing. Then he took off my glasses because I am litrally blind without them. And we went to his room but i was to scared and hated how I looked so I went into his closet. That’s when it happened I lost my virginity to some guy I ment off tindr in his closet. His closet was a pretty big place so it wasent uncomfortable but when we were done I still felt nothing. How am I supose to feel? The day after this encounter I was in so much pain and that lasted for 3 days and I’m still kind of sore now. Of course I wasent stupid and he wore a condom but I thought I was supose to feel some deep connection with someone after an experience like that but i felt nothing. The other day the power went off at work and I smoked for the first time it was pretty lack luster, I gave a blow job for the second time( to the tindr guy). Oh how life is strange. What do I do now?

-PandaQueen12

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Truth

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It seems like everyone thinks I’m depressed or some shit but honestly I’m just hurting myself before anyone else has the chance to. I was just at my friends house and Brandon texted me saying some bullshit so I took my razor out of my bag and made a cut on my arm and two on my ankle. I was bleeding so i asked my freind for a napkin and now she thinks I’m suicidal. I’m so fucking annoying.

-PandaQueen12

Happy Birthday To Me

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Today’s my birthday. I turn 18 today so I could buy cigarettes If I smoked but I dont. The only thing I want is the only thing I can’t have so that’s jolly. I got a cake from this vegan place. My family probley won’t try it just because it’s vegan  which is so annoying. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

     -PandaQueen12

Fuck life

Fuck life I wish I was dead. Someone end this suffering already. Why does no one like me? Wait I know I complain and repeat everything. Why cant I just die already

     -PandaQueen12

The Last Text

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This is my last text to Brandon:
You know what it’s fine Brandon I wouldent want me either. All I do I cause everyone trouble and I honestly think that that world world be a whole lot better without me in it. All I want to do is give people something to be happy about but obvously im not it. So it’s fine if you keep treating me like the garbage I am becouse that’s what I deserve. Hate me all you want, I deserve it. I’m worthless and should just be treated like shit. I’m sorry for trying to get anyone to actually want to be around me because I know why they wouldent want to be. All I do is complain and bother people and I am so sorry that you ever had the displeasure of ever meeting me. I know that you don’t want me and probley never will but what’s new. I’m stupid for ever thinking that giving myself to you would ever accomplish anything. My family hates me,i hate me and now you hate me to. I hope that you can find hapiness now that I’m no longer in the equation. I guess I just wanted to be wanted and no one wanted me. So I’m sorry once again. Have a nice life Brandon

This is the last message that I sent to Brandon last night while I was sobbing. I just try so hard and is it to much to ask to be wanted back? Aparently it is. I just don’t know why he doesent want me but then again no one does.  I went shopping at walmart today and low and behold Brandon was there working in the Wal-Mart McDonald’s. Is there a reason the universe is torturing me with his face? I just wish I knew what it was. I just wish that I could be what he wanted needed beged for because that’s what he is for me.
       
           -PandaQueen12

Please?

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Brandon is litrally going to be the death of me. No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to get over him. I was just about to make a tindr account to meet some new people but I just can’t find it in me to make one. I feel so lost and stupid. He doesent even like me anymore but all that’s done is make me want him more. He asked me if I wanted to be freinds with benifits and I said yes hoping that would mean we could actually hang out for once but nope he started ignoring me again. I would do anything for him I even told him that but it seems the more of myself I am willing to give him the less of me he wants. I just don’t understand guys sometimes. Here is a willing and able person that would litrally die for you and you don’t even want to test them to see how far they would go for you? Even if he just used me I wouldent mind I just want to be near him, is that so much to ask? Am I that worthless that you wouldent even give me a chance? I guess I’m ment to be forever alone in the world.
  
              -PandaQueen12

Perspective

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I think I know the reason that I’m going to be forever alone. I care too much. I care so much that I get obsessed and that makes people back off before I get to show them the real me. The real me is the most loyal person you’ll ever meet. I will put your life before my own because I am merely a vesile to be used for making other people’s lives as comfortable as possible. I just wish I could control the way I act when I truly like someone but sadly I can’t and I don’t think I will ever be able to. So please don’t give up on me because I know that I will never give up on you.

      -PandaQueen12

Brandon

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I just found out that the guy I gave my first blowjob to just used me. He dident like me at all and that was all he wanted. So guess what I did?I dident scream I dident cry I went straight into my hallway closet and got a razor. I took it apart and sliced his name into my arm while laughing. Now as i am typing this my arm stings but it’s better then nothing I guess. I suck at trying to get over people but people obvously have an easy time getting over me. So thank you Brandon your name will forever be engraved in my skin. I’m off to be an emo twat now ta ta.

-PandaQueen12

No more

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After seeing “The Huntsman: Winters War” I’ve come to relize that people are just pawns in the game of life and that those who overcome the binds and weaknesses are the ones with the real power. I have been spending the last couple of days obsessing over some guy I think I gave a blowjob to (it was my first time). I have been texting him non-stop and he hasent replied once. He told me that he liked me but that was obvously bullshit. After that movie I relized that love is the greatest weakness and that the only thing it does is hold you back from your true potential. So I’ve decided to stop loving anyone ever again(exept my parents of course). I have also relized that obsessing over people ruins me and makes me weak and willing to do whatever they want me to do to keep them intrested. That’s all for now peasents.

-PandaQueen12

I guess

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I am so depressed and sad. I just quit my first job which I regret so deeply and I can’t change Jack shit about it. This guy who I thought liked me just blocked me on Facebook for no reason but then again who would really like me anyways. My personality is shit but
I’ll be loyal until the end but I guess no one wants that do they. I will do whatever anyone wants but i guess thats useless in this world. Fuck people ill just go back to being a sad and depressed loser.