Still Waiting.

I honestly can’t stand living anymore at this point in time. I’m tired of living,breathing and just being here in general. I am so utterly done and upset with anything and everything I can’t even start to think about my life right now. To think that anyone would ever want to be with me for me is an ignorant and ridiculous thought. Everyone I have ever met has just used me for one thing or another. Even my own parents treat me like their personal servant. I get treated like I am the most stupid person in the room, people like to make me cry on purpose because they know how easy it is to make me upset and make me think that they don’t like me and or hate me. I am so sick of people treating me this way but i know I’ll never change and that I’ll always get used by someone.

After hours

So today after my weekly 3 hours of torture I’m going to make some cashew milk. I’ve always wondered what it would taste like and now I’ll get to. Yesterday I made some cashew cheese spread and some almond cheese that is being fermented in the fridge as we speak. I also made some vegan rice pudding which is really good but I think it would be better with some fruit or berries. I thought being vegan would be harder but it’s really not that hard at all. Right now I’m in the church bathroom listening to music because I don’t want to go to class and I can’t wait to go home in an hour.thats all for now ta ta!

               -PandaQueen12

Old

I’m going to be so old this year. This year I’m turning Dun Dun Dun…….. 18!! So for all you creepers out there I’m finally going to be legal!! But I don’t want to be. I wish when people tuned 18 that from then on they would go backwards in age because when I’m 18 I have to make decisions for myself and I can’t do that now let all by myself. I just can’t. Anywhore I’ve been watching Degrassi all this week. I’m now almost on season 4 I just have 2 more episodes in season 3 to watch because I fell asleep since I didn’t get any. I’m going to watch all the seasons and I’m so exited. Happy New Year. Byeeeeeee!

              -PandaQueen12

A week every month

I would do just about anything right now to get rid of the pain. I would take fucking ecstasy and suffer all of the consequences just to get rid of this hell fire that has been torturing me for the pass 40 minutes. Please help me I’ll do anything. I would call my mom right now to come pick me up but I don’t want to get behind and have a but load of homework. Right now I am seriously considering it. Kill me now because if this is what being a girl gets you I’d rather die or just sleep for the week that I have to suffer through this painful death of lives. This pain is unbearable. I feel like someone is just garbing a hold of my insides and twisting them mercilessly. You wouldn’t know by looking at my calm emotionless face but the pain I’m suffering through at this moment makes me want to scream out in pain and roll on the floor and cry until I can’t cry anymore. Sitting here in this chair makes me want to rip out my intestines and bleed to death. At least this torture would end if I did. Won’t you please end my suffering? Please.                   

                      -PandaQueen12

Today

I’m so freaking weird. So today when I was waking up I was imagining some guy raping me and I was actually getting wet and horny from it. What the fuck is wrong with me? I think my mind is broken or something because I actually want to get raped by some guy. I see my therapist on Thursday but there is no way in hell that I’m going to tell her about my sick twisted thoughts because she would for sure tell my mom about it and I’d be put in a mental hospital. I’m going to try and finish my civics class today so I won’t be so stressed about not finishing my classes and never getting into college. I am so worried about my future because I am such a slacker sometimes I could scream at myself for how stupid I can be. Well I’m off to watch holiday baking championship with me mum and then do some school work. Ta ta peasants(:
-PandaQueen12

Vegetarian

I’ve been a vegetarian since September of this year. I decided to become a vegetarian because eating meat honestly made me feel gross and I just wanted to do it. Ever since I became a vegetarian my mom has been obsessed and I mean OBSESSED with getting me to eat meat again. She just today told me that she read a Philadelphia report about how not eating meat can cause mental illness. I’m sorry mom but I was already mentally ill before I stopped eating meat. I just wish she could get over it I mean its not like I’m forcing her to stop eating meat. She can do whatever she damn well pleases so why can’t she let me. Since everyone else in my house still eats meat there is barely anything that I can eat so I don’t really eat that much. Thankfully my mom I’sent totally against me being a vegetarian and buys me meatless foods. We just went shopping and we bought some pomegranates so I made some pomegranate juice out them. Its kind of gross but I’ll still drink it. Well I don’t really know what else to say on this topic so byeeeeeeeeeeee!

-PandaQueen12

Lies

I go on this app whisper to meet and talk to new people because like hell I’m going to do that in real life. So I start having these awesome conversations that I thought could never happen because of my shitty personality but people seem to like it for some reason then shit starts happening. After what seems like hours of talking to them they ask for a picture of me and I’m just like “WTF?” in my head because it comes out of no where. I mean if you like having a conversation with me does it really matter what I look like? But they are so persistent and say things like

-“I don’t care what you look like”

-“I won’t ignore you”

-“I already like you for so it won’t matter what you look like”

So I reply to them by saying “Fine I’ll send you a picture of me but if you don’t like what I look like and ignore me you could have prevented me from getting me feelings hurt like I just got ran over by a car”. They just say “I won’t”. You know what I do? I send them a picture actually believing what they told me was true, believing that this time it will be different and that they won’t ignore me because they don’t like the way I look because we have been getting along so well. Guess what happens come on guess… fine I’ll tell you. They IGNORE the shit out of me. This is why I don’t like sending people pictures of me or telling them what I look like because humans are the literal WORST SPECIES ON THIS GODFORSAKEN PLANET. I mean if you like my personality why the fuck do you care what I look like? From now on anytime some online asks me what I look like or to send them a picture of me I’m just going to ignore them and delete their message because I am sick of being ignored for what I look like. Why are humans so goddamn judgmental its not my fault I look like I do. I can’t wait to die so I can get away from all these people who judge you based on something that you can’t change. So I’ll leave it to your imagination what I look like because if i showed you that no one would probley read this blog. Ta ta peasants.

-PandaQueen12

Sorry

I am such a bitch to everyone. So I’ve been talking to this guy I met on whisper and we totally hit it off but I had to go off and ruin everything because I’m a complete and total waste of human life. I pushed him away until he no longer talked to me and why did I do this you ask, absolutely no reason. I just feel like when I get to know someone and they actually think that they might like me that I need to push them away before they realize what a big mistake they’ve made. I’m not worth their efforts or tears I’m not worth their time. There’s over a billion other people in this world that are 1000 times better then I will ever be. So if any of the guys I’ve talked to ever read this just know that I’m sorry I wasted your time by being a complete and total bitch. I hope you guys find someone who is actually worth your time and efforts and isn’t  just a total bitch to you for no reason. I know I’m probley the only one ever going to read this but at least now I know why I don’t deserve anything but the loneliness that consumes me everyday.

-PandaQueen12

Random 

I’m the most random person ever. One second I’ll be thinking about sex or food then the next second I’ll be screaming at the top of lungs and   making animal noises around my house. My parents think I’m so weird when I do this and I don’t blame them. I’m just always so bored so I do strange things to entertain myself. For example if I’m home alone and I know people won’t be home for awhile I just think ” time to go masterbate” even though I’m not horny at all(which is  rare). I think I might be crazy or something. On the contrary I could just need some human interaction but as you probably know by now that’s not going to happen. I need someone to  please come save me before I go mad😫😖

                    -PandaQueen12

P.S I literally almost typed in my real name on here. If my parents found out I’d be sent to a purifying camp to “rid me of my sins” as they would say.🙄😆 anyways ta ta!😘

Submissive 

Sometimes I sit down and think to myself am I really submissive? Sure I’m easily munipulated by others into doing things or I’ll feel bad but I just don’t know if I am. I don’t know if I started wanting to be submissive before or after reading 50 shades of grey it’s kind of all a blur. It would be really stupid if that was the reason that I think I am or want to be submissive. I know one thing for certain though and that is that I want to be controlled I crave it  actually. This is probley because my life has no control so I feel that if I was in a relationship I’d want whoever I was in the relationship with to take charge because I am the most indecisive person ever. Whenever I’m at the store with my mom and she asks me which cereal I think she should get I literally could care less and always say I don’t care. I read so much wattpad stories(you know the ones😏) and I get so sucked into them and wish that my life was like that but sadly it’s not. People who are possessive, obsessive or controlling just really intrigue and turn me on for some reason. When I say I like people who like having control I mean it in all aspects of themselves even when talking to someone online. I hate those people who say that they like to control yet let you walk all over them I mean if you were seriously controlling there’s no way in hell you would let me get away with pulling that shit. Well that’s what’s been on my mind latley.

                           -PandaQueen12