I know I told you to read my blog but don’t. Its been a wee bit since I’ve posted on this blog but as i always say”who cares” its my blog and I’ll do what I want.
So I’m making a plan on New Years for my death. So far I’ve concluded that I will drink exesive amounts of alchohol,smoke weed till i can see all the universe, take 25 or so sleeping pills and take 10 tabs of acid all In the same day Well ill probley spread it out throuhout the night but who knows im a pretty compulsive person. I was gonma do it before Christmas but thats way to fucked up son. I’m not that satanic or crual. Maybe I’ll sacrifice myself lto satan and become his waifu. See you guys in hell or not who knows what happens after death.
This morning I woke up still thinking about the one person I’ve been thinking of every single day for the past couple of months. When I wake up with this person in my head my whole heart just lights up. This person has got to be the single most interesting, funny, handsome and just an overall awesome human being. I don’t think I’ve ever been this in love with someone in my entire life. I cry when I think of all the things that have been wrongly done towards this person and I want to be there for them I want to be with them they’re the only one I have ever truly cried for because I sincerely in my heart am hurt that something like that would ever come out of the mind of someone as amazing as them. Recently I realized Life’s too short to live in your comfort zone( surprise surprise) and that the people you love can be taken away from you at any moment so live your life to the fullest with no regrets. When I started this blog I truly I was about to kill myself but I didn’t and now I think I might have found the person I would like to spend the rest of my life working towards getting. I think I might have found my soulmate. I feel as though I might actually try for once instead of always second-guessing myself. I will achieve happiness one day no matter how long it takes but if it’s with you I think I’m already there.
This whole blog post is kind of a mess but my emotions are strong and this is the only way I can express that.
I honestly can’t stand living anymore at this point in time. I’m tired of living,breathing and just being here in general. I am so utterly done and upset with anything and everything I can’t even start to think about my life right now. To think that anyone would ever want to be with me for me is an ignorant and ridiculous thought. Everyone I have ever met has just used me for one thing or another. Even my own parents treat me like their personal servant. I get treated like I am the most stupid person in the room, people like to make me cry on purpose because they know how easy it is to make me upset and make me think that they don’t like me and or hate me. I am so sick of people treating me this way but i know I’ll never change and that I’ll always get used by someone.
I would do just about anything right now to get rid of the pain. I would take fucking ecstasy and suffer all of the consequences just to get rid of this hell fire that has been torturing me for the pass 40 minutes. Please help me I’ll do anything. I would call my mom right now to come pick me up but I don’t want to get behind and have a but load of homework. Right now I am seriously considering it. Kill me now because if this is what being a girl gets you I’d rather die or just sleep for the week that I have to suffer through this painful death of lives. This pain is unbearable. I feel like someone is just garbing a hold of my insides and twisting them mercilessly. You wouldn’t know by looking at my calm emotionless face but the pain I’m suffering through at this moment makes me want to scream out in pain and roll on the floor and cry until I can’t cry anymore. Sitting here in this chair makes me want to rip out my intestines and bleed to death. At least this torture would end if I did. Won’t you please end my suffering? Please.
I’m so freaking weird. So today when I was waking up I was imagining some guy raping me and I was actually getting wet and horny from it. What the fuck is wrong with me? I think my mind is broken or something because I actually want to get raped by some guy. I see my therapist on Thursday but there is no way in hell that I’m going to tell her about my sick twisted thoughts because she would for sure tell my mom about it and I’d be put in a mental hospital. I’m going to try and finish my civics class today so I won’t be so stressed about not finishing my classes and never getting into college. I am so worried about my future because I am such a slacker sometimes I could scream at myself for how stupid I can be. Well I’m off to watch holiday baking championship with me mum and then do some school work. Ta ta peasants(:
I go on this app whisper to meet and talk to new people because like hell I’m going to do that in real life. So I start having these awesome conversations that I thought could never happen because of my shitty personality but people seem to like it for some reason then shit starts happening. After what seems like hours of talking to them they ask for a picture of me and I’m just like “WTF?” in my head because it comes out of no where. I mean if you like having a conversation with me does it really matter what I look like? But they are so persistent and say things like
-“I don’t care what you look like”
-“I won’t ignore you”
-“I already like you for so it won’t matter what you look like”
So I reply to them by saying “Fine I’ll send you a picture of me but if you don’t like what I look like and ignore me you could have prevented me from getting me feelings hurt like I just got ran over by a car”. They just say “I won’t”. You know what I do? I send them a picture actually believing what they told me was true, believing that this time it will be different and that they won’t ignore me because they don’t like the way I look because we have been getting along so well. Guess what happens come on guess… fine I’ll tell you. They IGNORE the shit out of me. This is why I don’t like sending people pictures of me or telling them what I look like because humans are the literal WORST SPECIES ON THIS GODFORSAKEN PLANET. I mean if you like my personality why the fuck do you care what I look like? From now on anytime some online asks me what I look like or to send them a picture of me I’m just going to ignore them and delete their message because I am sick of being ignored for what I look like. Why are humans so goddamn judgmental its not my fault I look like I do. I can’t wait to die so I can get away from all these people who judge you based on something that you can’t change. So I’ll leave it to your imagination what I look like because if i showed you that no one would probley read this blog. Ta ta peasants.
I am such a bitch to everyone. So I’ve been talking to this guy I met on whisper and we totally hit it off but I had to go off and ruin everything because I’m a complete and total waste of human life. I pushed him away until he no longer talked to me and why did I do this you ask, absolutely no reason. I just feel like when I get to know someone and they actually think that they might like me that I need to push them away before they realize what a big mistake they’ve made. I’m not worth their efforts or tears I’m not worth their time. There’s over a billion other people in this world that are 1000 times better then I will ever be. So if any of the guys I’ve talked to ever read this just know that I’m sorry I wasted your time by being a complete and total bitch. I hope you guys find someone who is actually worth your time and efforts and isn’t just a total bitch to you for no reason. I know I’m probley the only one ever going to read this but at least now I know why I don’t deserve anything but the loneliness that consumes me everyday.
Sometimes I sit down and think to myself am I really submissive? Sure I’m easily munipulated by others into doing things or I’ll feel bad but I just don’t know if I am. I don’t know if I started wanting to be submissive before or after reading 50 shades of grey it’s kind of all a blur. It would be really stupid if that was the reason that I think I am or want to be submissive. I know one thing for certain though and that is that I want to be controlled I crave it actually. This is probley because my life has no control so I feel that if I was in a relationship I’d want whoever I was in the relationship with to take charge because I am the most indecisive person ever. Whenever I’m at the store with my mom and she asks me which cereal I think she should get I literally could care less and always say I don’t care. I read so much wattpad stories(you know the ones😏) and I get so sucked into them and wish that my life was like that but sadly it’s not. People who are possessive, obsessive or controlling just really intrigue and turn me on for some reason. When I say I like people who like having control I mean it in all aspects of themselves even when talking to someone online. I hate those people who say that they like to control yet let you walk all over them I mean if you were seriously controlling there’s no way in hell you would let me get away with pulling that shit. Well that’s what’s been on my mind latley.
So I’ve been kind of obsessed with the idea of having an experience with an Incubus demon. At my last house I was so obsessed that I did a ritual to summon one every night for 3 or 4 days. I think it worked because I kept feeling like someone was touching me when I was asleep or that there was a cat at the end of my bed(I read somewhere that is a sign that they are there). My door was closed so I know that it was not my cat or anyone else.The first time I ever had an experience I wrote it down in my notes, here it is.
Last night around 5:50am or so I think an incubus came to me and licked my ear several times. At first I thought it was my cat but then I opened my eyes and saw wings. Then he left. I tried to keep my eyes closed but I wanted to see him. I was scared. I hope he comes again tomorrow night, I hope I won’t be scared then.
Every since that experience I have been obsessed and long for another one. When I moved from my old house to my new one I thought that they would follow me but they didn’t. I searched online and it said that they don’t follow you so I began to try to summon one again. The first time it Dident work because I didn’t use my birth name so I tried again last night and I don’t know if it worked. This is another experience I think
Last night I think I had a dream that I was laying down on the floor sleeping with my fan as usual and then I felt a pressure on my back like someone was laying next to me but I held still because this was like a dream come true. So I was laying there with this pressure on my back and they took there hand a put it over my mouth for a minute but I couldn’t breath so I moved it. Then suddenly I felt pleasure down there. They they started moving in and out and it felt so good I started to moan after a while they stopped and left. I honestly think that it was an incubus and it was the most awesome experience I have had with one yet. Best day ever!!😊☺️😁
You can see that my obsession could not be more real. I really hope that it works this time and that I actually summoned one. I know some people(cough cough religious people) might think that I am stupid for wanting to have an incubus visit me but to those people I say why the fuck do you care this is my life not yours so get over it. Anyways I’ll keep you updated if it works tata!
I am literally the most sexually repressed person ever. I am so horny all the time but there’s nothing I can do about it because I am such an antisocial freak. You might be thinking why not just go find someone online to roleplay with.. Here’s the thing that’s BORING as fuck. I want the real thing not some made up shit I have to pretend that I’m enjoying to make some stranger feel better. I sometimes wish I would just go out in the world and try to actually meet someone but then I remember humans are the most horrible species on this planet. I wish some alians from another planet would just come down and take me away with them so that I could live with them and learn their ways. Sure they might shove probes up my ass but that’s a little price to pay for getting a free pass off this miserable hunk of rock. Anyways back to the topic at hand… When you’ve seen as much porn as I have nothing fazes you. Two people could literally be having sex in front of me and I’d just tell them to move out of the way so I can see the TV. It’s weird that I know so much about sex and picture having it every single day of my life but would run the hell away if someone even offerd to take my virginity. Masterbation does the tick but really is just a chore after awhile. It’s not my fault I feel this way all the time but as Lady Gaga would say I was born this way. Anywhore off to pretend to be satisfied with this boring as hell life I have. Xoxo gossip girl just kidding(I might be a little obsessed with that show…just a little).