I’m back…well at least for today. Man has my life changed drastically from where it was the last time I wrote an entry on this blog.
As I am writing this entry I am on Jorges bed laying next to him and Kodee. Jorge is my new crush and I mean I like him alot and I think that he likes me but just doesent/can’t express how he feels. That’s just how I feel that the situation is but who knows what goes on in that head of his. Me and him slept together and after that the next time I saw him at work(shocker I’m sleeping with someone I work with) I thought he was acting weird and that he dident like me because he got what he wanted from me but surprisingly we hung out the other day and he told me about how he dident really hang out with me because he felt like he was taking advantage of me and that I was to young (I’m 19 now fyi). I think that the only reason that I was invited to hang out with them tonight is because I was taking Kodee home because he asked Kodee if she wanted to hang out but dident say anything about me so Kodee asked him and he said that I could go. I might be over thinking things(like I always do) but I think he might be butthurt because I wouldn’t let him eat me out. I know you all want it and I will gladly provide you guys with all the juicy details.
So about a week ago I was working with Jorge and he invited me and a couple of our other co-worker friends over to his house to hang out smoke and drink. On that day I was voluming in the kitchen (stocking stuff and cleaning my station for the next day) so that ment I get to leave before they closed. Kodee was closing and I got off at 9pm. I went home and changed my clothe to something more comfortable ie. Not my grease smelling work clothe. Since Kodee was closing I had told her that I would come back and bring her to his house to hang out. It was a Friday so the restraunt closed at 11pm instead of 10 like on the week days. After I got changed I headed over to his house. I was night time and this was the first time I had driven to his house so I kinda got lost and I had to call him to get his help so that I could find his house. After 15-20 minutes I finally found his house. At this point I was the only one besides him at his house because his parents went on a trip or something for a couple of days. I got there and he let me in through the garage because he couldn’t find the key to his front door. So I went in set my stuff down and we started talking. While we were talking I kept staring at him straight in the eyes. We started drinking and smoking and I wanted to watch tv or play video games and he said that he had a tv in his room. I being on my 3rd or 4th shot had takin a couple of hits from the pipe but the alcohol seems to just level me out(we were drinking whiskey by the way). So I’m up in his room and l sit down on his bed so we can start watching tv. He messes around with the tv a bit and we start watching it. As we were watching tv we were talking and he kept slipping sexual things into the conversations we were having. He me asked me if I was alright I told him that my lips were dry and asked him if he had any chapstick. It turned out that he dident have any chapstick in his whole house(he probley did but I don’t think he wanted to get me it. I kept saying(well complaing) that my lips were dry and he said that If I took another shot that I wouldn’t care about my lips so I took another one because why the fuck not. We went down stairs and he poured me a shot that was 3 time more then his. I dident really give a fuck though. After that we went back upstairs to watch tv again. I was drunk at this point and I hate light when I watch tv so I complained and he turned off the light. As we lay there on the bead he asked me what was under my shirt and o said my bra and then he asked me what was under my pants and I said my underwear then I asked him what was under his pants and he said nothing.
Yada yada yada we had relations. I was on dope when I started writing this 3 days ago and I’m to lazy to finish the story now……next time
I dident say no
I said it was fine
When you started touching me I felt inclined
to ask you what you were doing
Then you stared at me making me uncomfortable
Then you tried to kiss me but I turned my head
You tired to put your hand in my pants but I batted it away
You asked me if I was fine and I said it was OK
All you wanted was to use me I should have known
It was my first time but like you know
I was sore for days but like you care
But you dident rape me because I dident say no.
And now I get flashbacks of what you did and I think of how stupid I was for not saying no. I dident say yes but I dident say no.
All these apparently “Proana” blogs aren’t really Proana at all. Some of them saying they are when they eat 1200 calories a day. Fucking liars you need to get in check or you’ll just get fat while I get skinny. No guy wants a fat girl vise versa. Set a goal and stick to it don’t be a little bitch.
I know I haven’t been on this blog since last year but whatever it’s my life and I’ll do what I want. My year started pretty decent with meeting Rebecals(I call her that but her name is Rebecca) we used to hang out everyday sometimes I would even spend 3 days in a row at her house. I ment her at the Metrolux lux when I used to work there but I quit because that place is a shit hole and no one likes it there anyways. 5 people have quit since I left it’s like I started a revolution or something. Anyways recently Rebecca has been ignoring me and treating me like shit and the only time we hang out Is when I take her kid to school (did I mention that she was 34) now she’s just waiting for other people to turn 21 so she can ditch me for them. I should have known that she was only using me just like everyone else. Any who now I work at this comfort dental place as a sterilization technician. It’s boring and I bearly work but who cares plus I have to work with rebecals since she’s the one who got me the job. This week I got 55 hour and I get payed $10 an hour so I can’t wait for that pay check. Since I only have one job now I’m bored af so I might start exercising. Today is the start of my fast but I couldn’t really start because I had to take the Sacrament and eat bread and I drank orange juice to take me pills. I feel fat(which I probley am). One good thing is that in April I’m going to new York for 4 days with my dad. I’ve always wanted to go and now I finally get to. I’m so exited!! But before I go to the love of my life I’m going to lose 30-40 pounds so I can fit into small/extra small clothe. People say that I’m skinny but that’s not what I see when I look in the mirror. I got this app called hot or not and I’ve been talking to this guy named Christopher he’s so cute and we have so much in common too bad he live in Louisiana :(. Well that’s been my life as of late tata.
I honestly can’t stand living anymore at this point in time. I’m tired of living,breathing and just being here in general. I am so utterly done and upset with anything and everything I can’t even start to think about my life right now. To think that anyone would ever want to be with me for me is an ignorant and ridiculous thought. Everyone I have ever met has just used me for one thing or another. Even my own parents treat me like their personal servant. I get treated like I am the most stupid person in the room, people like to make me cry on purpose because they know how easy it is to make me upset and make me think that they don’t like me and or hate me. I am so sick of people treating me this way but i know I’ll never change and that I’ll always get used by someone.
I don’t think I’m ever going to have sex again. I feel so filthy and like I’m not worth anything. My friend just always makes me deal like I’m a whore for having sex once and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. No one wants used goods anyways.
Food food food that’s all i think about everyday,every night and every hour. Then once I finally figure out what I want to eat i get it ready and eat it. After a couple of minutes my stomache starts hurting and this lasts for 5-10 muinutes. Maybe I should just stop eating all together because it’s just not worth it. I always think things I know I will never do but why? Because I know I’m weak and that the voice in my head telling me that I’m fat,worthless and no guy will ever like me just might be right. I’ve only been eating one meal a day with no snacks (exept last night) my stomache hurts only for a couple of minutes so that’s fine. It seems like no-one care if I don’t eat because actions speak louder then words and no one cares enough to actually do anything about it. So I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing until I am satisfied with myself.
Since turning 18 twenty-two days ago I’ve made some terrible decisions. The first mistake I made was getting a tindr. I should have known that all the guys on there were fuck boys. So I thought this guy was cute and he likes the same things I liked. So I went over to his house and we went down to his basement and started playing super smash bros (only the best game ever). He beat me of course since I hadent plays in a while and I was a little(a lot) rusty. What happens next might suprise you(maybe) he turned the game off and we started watching.movie making videos on youtube. Basically we were YouTube and chilling. As we were watching the videos he started to move his hands twards my thighs and he asked me if that was fine, I said it was. Then things started escalating when he got a blanket and put it over the two of us and tried to kiss me. I told him that I had never kissed anyone or done anything before but he said that was fine so we kissed and I felt nothing. Then he took off my glasses because I am litrally blind without them. And we went to his room but i was to scared and hated how I looked so I went into his closet. That’s when it happened I lost my virginity to some guy I ment off tindr in his closet. His closet was a pretty big place so it wasent uncomfortable but when we were done I still felt nothing. How am I supose to feel? The day after this encounter I was in so much pain and that lasted for 3 days and I’m still kind of sore now. Of course I wasent stupid and he wore a condom but I thought I was supose to feel some deep connection with someone after an experience like that but i felt nothing. The other day the power went off at work and I smoked for the first time it was pretty lack luster, I gave a blow job for the second time( to the tindr guy). Oh how life is strange. What do I do now?
It seems like everyone thinks I’m depressed or some shit but honestly I’m just hurting myself before anyone else has the chance to. I was just at my friends house and Brandon texted me saying some bullshit so I took my razor out of my bag and made a cut on my arm and two on my ankle. I was bleeding so i asked my freind for a napkin and now she thinks I’m suicidal. I’m so fucking annoying.
Today’s my birthday. I turn 18 today so I could buy cigarettes If I smoked but I dont. The only thing I want is the only thing I can’t have so that’s jolly. I got a cake from this vegan place. My family probley won’t try it just because it’s vegan which is so annoying. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.