Bad Thoughts

 Food food food that’s all i think about everyday,every night and every hour. Then once I finally figure out what I want to eat i get it ready and eat it. After a couple of minutes my stomache  starts hurting and this lasts for 5-10 muinutes. Maybe I should just stop eating all together because it’s just not worth it. I always think things I know I will never do but why? Because I know I’m weak and that the voice in my head telling me that I’m fat,worthless and no guy will ever like me just might be right. I’ve only been eating one meal a day with no snacks (exept last night) my stomache hurts only for a couple of minutes so that’s fine. It seems like no-one care if I don’t eat because actions speak louder then words and no one cares enough to actually do anything about it. So I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing until I am satisfied with myself.



Bad Choices

Since turning 18 twenty-two days ago I’ve made some terrible decisions. The first mistake I made was getting a tindr. I should have known that all the guys on there were fuck boys. So I thought this guy was cute and he likes the same things I liked. So I went over to his house and we went down to his basement and started playing super smash bros (only the best game ever). He beat me of course since I hadent plays in a while and I was a little(a lot) rusty. What happens next might suprise you(maybe) he turned the game off and we started making videos on youtube. Basically we were YouTube and chilling. As we were watching the videos he started to move his hands twards my thighs and he asked me if that was fine, I said it was. Then things started escalating when he got a blanket and put it over the two of us and tried to kiss me. I told him that I had never kissed anyone or done anything before but he said that was fine so we kissed and I felt nothing. Then he took off my glasses because I am litrally blind without them. And we went to his room but i was to scared and hated how I looked so I went into his closet. That’s when it happened I lost my virginity to some guy I ment off tindr in his closet. His closet was a pretty big place so it wasent uncomfortable but when we were done I still felt nothing. How am I supose to feel? The day after this encounter I was in so much pain and that lasted for 3 days and I’m still kind of sore now. Of course I wasent stupid and he wore a condom but I thought I was supose to feel some deep connection with someone after an experience like that but i felt nothing. The other day the power went off at work and I smoked for the first time it was pretty lack luster, I gave a blow job for the second time( to the tindr guy). Oh how life is strange. What do I do now?