Hello there blog long time to write are you shocked probley not. Whays it be 2 or 3 years oh well. I feel like I only write on this blog when I’m talking about boys, being depressed,hating myself or wanting to die. Today its the second one. I have not reason to be depressed my life is just a routine at this point. I get up go to work and come home. I’m cleaning at a hotel now so thats fun. I get to be by myself and I don’t really have to talk to anyone and I just listen to music. I’ve gone on a diet again because I feel thats the only thing I can have full control over. I’ve deleted most social media exept YouTube, Instagram(for food pictures),wattpad and this one. Im just sick of the world and all the great things that are going on at this moment. What a time to be alive am I right. Idk what else to say so goodbye for now.
Maybe i should just accept that people will talk about me just for existing or breathing even though i havent done anything to anyone. I have not said one rude word to anyone and they all asume that i eithier have an atittude,that im crabby or just overall a rude person. You know what ill just keep being me as the wise onion boy always says at the end of his videos. Judge me for no reason even though your religion suposedly teaches you to love one another but i guess that doesent apply to me. Im a pretty good looking person if i do say so myself abd thats not being conceded im told this on a regular basis. I don’t care for stupid people. Right now im liteni ng to a lady talk about loveing eachother but again that doesent apply to me. People are so quick to judge me and others who dont fit their cookie cutter standard that its mindblowing when they start talking about loving one anther. To each his own i guess.
P.S. i think im going to start writing my suday blog posts again. So much things to say but not outload because I’m aparently not aloud to have opinions or be considered a human being.
Ever had feelings so strongly twards someone that it physically hurt to even see them with anyone else? I know he has a girlfriend and I’m trying so hard to get over these feelings but I just can’t. I can feel it inside myself that he is my Soulmate the one I’m ment to be with. I might not be able to have him right now but I feel like the universe is not letting me get over him for some reason. Any advice? I’m so stuck on him that I check his social media(atleast the ones he uses) every single day. It hurts but I just have to see that hes ok and doing atleast descent. The things hes said and his way of being such an egotistical person gives me life. I was looking at his pictures last night while high af on the weedles and the feelings I have for him were amplified times 1000 I can’t do this anymore. I was going to be in one of my friends music videos and he went but I couldent get a ride. Is this a sign that I should stop? I dont know help me.
Suprise suprise I’m still alive. My plan was halted by the lack of access to needed materials. So here I again waiting for the end. I just to 2 grams of coke and 2 hits of acid in a 1-3 hour period. I did less then half a gram earlier then about a half an hour ago I snorted the 1.5-1.7g that were left at the same time. I tried to search online to see how long it takes to die but im not getting any solid answers. I took 4 sleeping pills 10 or so minutes ago so if I do die it will atleast be in my sleep(hopefully painless) If I wake up (hoping not to) I’ll write another post about how i dramaticly fail yet again. Ive done so much shit at the same time im suprised I’m not dead fuck this shit😑😐
I know I told you to read my blog but don’t. Its been a wee bit since I’ve posted on this blog but as i always say”who cares” its my blog and I’ll do what I want.
So I’m making a plan on New Years for my death. So far I’ve concluded that I will drink exesive amounts of alchohol,smoke weed till i can see all the universe, take 25 or so sleeping pills and take 10 tabs of acid all In the same day Well ill probley spread it out throuhout the night but who knows im a pretty compulsive person. I was gonma do it before Christmas but thats way to fucked up son. I’m not that satanic or crual. Maybe I’ll sacrifice myself lto satan and become his waifu. See you guys in hell or not who knows what happens after death.
I done goofed up. I still cant get you out of my head. Do you ever just think about all the shit you’ve done and realize that when you die( ie kill yourself)your family is going to find out EVERYTHING? like when I die my family is going to find this blog,my Facebook,Twitter,Tumblr….. i mean i could hid all this but fuck it I’m going to be dead anyways. Lil Peep died today and I cried like 10 times already. I dident really lnow anout him till now (kind of) but i do now and i listened to some of his music and I can relate to him. Being alive and just living are two completely different things. R.I.P
Thinking about what the point of being alive is makes me severely depressed and want to kill myself so i try to stop but I over think EVERYTHING.
that’s all for now all i can process enough to write down here that is.
This morning I woke up still thinking about the one person I’ve been thinking of every single day for the past couple of months. When I wake up with this person in my head my whole heart just lights up. This person has got to be the single most interesting, funny, handsome and just an overall awesome human being. I don’t think I’ve ever been this in love with someone in my entire life. I cry when I think of all the things that have been wrongly done towards this person and I want to be there for them I want to be with them they’re the only one I have ever truly cried for because I sincerely in my heart am hurt that something like that would ever come out of the mind of someone as amazing as them. Recently I realized Life’s too short to live in your comfort zone( surprise surprise) and that the people you love can be taken away from you at any moment so live your life to the fullest with no regrets. When I started this blog I truly I was about to kill myself but I didn’t and now I think I might have found the person I would like to spend the rest of my life working towards getting. I think I might have found my soulmate. I feel as though I might actually try for once instead of always second-guessing myself. I will achieve happiness one day no matter how long it takes but if it’s with you I think I’m already there.
This whole blog post is kind of a mess but my emotions are strong and this is the only way I can express that.
I’m back…well at least for today. Man has my life changed drastically from where it was the last time I wrote an entry on this blog.
As I am writing this entry I am on Jorges bed laying next to him and Kodee. Jorge is my new crush and I mean I like him alot and I think that he likes me but just doesent/can’t express how he feels. That’s just how I feel that the situation is but who knows what goes on in that head of his. Me and him slept together and after that the next time I saw him at work(shocker I’m sleeping with someone I work with) I thought he was acting weird and that he dident like me because he got what he wanted from me but surprisingly we hung out the other day and he told me about how he dident really hang out with me because he felt like he was taking advantage of me and that I was to young (I’m 19 now fyi). I think that the only reason that I was invited to hang out with them tonight is because I was taking Kodee home because he asked Kodee if she wanted to hang out but dident say anything about me so Kodee asked him and he said that I could go. I might be over thinking things(like I always do) but I think he might be butthurt because I wouldn’t let him eat me out. I know you all want it and I will gladly provide you guys with all the juicy details.
So about a week ago I was working with Jorge and he invited me and a couple of our other co-worker friends over to his house to hang out smoke and drink. On that day I was voluming in the kitchen (stocking stuff and cleaning my station for the next day) so that ment I get to leave before they closed. Kodee was closing and I got off at 9pm. I went home and changed my clothe to something more comfortable ie. Not my grease smelling work clothe. Since Kodee was closing I had told her that I would come back and bring her to his house to hang out. It was a Friday so the restraunt closed at 11pm instead of 10 like on the week days. After I got changed I headed over to his house. I was night time and this was the first time I had driven to his house so I kinda got lost and I had to call him to get his help so that I could find his house. After 15-20 minutes I finally found his house. At this point I was the only one besides him at his house because his parents went on a trip or something for a couple of days. I got there and he let me in through the garage because he couldn’t find the key to his front door. So I went in set my stuff down and we started talking. While we were talking I kept staring at him straight in the eyes. We started drinking and smoking and I wanted to watch tv or play video games and he said that he had a tv in his room. I being on my 3rd or 4th shot had takin a couple of hits from the pipe but the alcohol seems to just level me out(we were drinking whiskey by the way). So I’m up in his room and l sit down on his bed so we can start watching tv. He messes around with the tv a bit and we start watching it. As we were watching tv we were talking and he kept slipping sexual things into the conversations we were having. He me asked me if I was alright I told him that my lips were dry and asked him if he had any chapstick. It turned out that he dident have any chapstick in his whole house(he probley did but I don’t think he wanted to get me it. I kept saying(well complaing) that my lips were dry and he said that If I took another shot that I wouldn’t care about my lips so I took another one because why the fuck not. We went down stairs and he poured me a shot that was 3 time more then his. I dident really give a fuck though. After that we went back upstairs to watch tv again. I was drunk at this point and I hate light when I watch tv so I complained and he turned off the light. As we lay there on the bead he asked me what was under my shirt and o said my bra and then he asked me what was under my pants and I said my underwear then I asked him what was under his pants and he said nothing.
Yada yada yada we had relations. I was on dope when I started writing this 3 days ago and I’m to lazy to finish the story now……next time
I dident say no
I said it was fine
When you started touching me I felt inclined
to ask you what you were doing
Then you stared at me making me uncomfortable
Then you tried to kiss me but I turned my head
You tired to put your hand in my pants but I batted it away
You asked me if I was fine and I said it was OK
All you wanted was to use me I should have known
It was my first time but like you know
I was sore for days but like you care
But you dident rape me because I dident say no.
And now I get flashbacks of what you did and I think of how stupid I was for not saying no. I dident say yes but I dident say no.
All these apparently “Proana” blogs aren’t really Proana at all. Some of them saying they are when they eat 1200 calories a day. Fucking liars you need to get in check or you’ll just get fat while I get skinny. No guy wants a fat girl vise versa. Set a goal and stick to it don’t be a little bitch.